Out of nowhere, I remembered the strange hollow in your chest, a perfect, small bowl just under your heart. I was having an ordinary day, busy with the small things that I do when I am alone, which is most of the time. And then, without any thought, I lifted my hand up and curved it in to the small, loosely clenched shape at the exact height of that spot on your chest, and it took me completely by surprise. These memories - tiger traps, really, scattered randomly in my everyday paths - make me feel like I still know you. I don't. I never will again. But ten years later, I know my hand could still nestle into that same curve in your chest, where your hand pressed mine most of the nights for most of 8 years. I feel like this is somehow your fault, but you would probably hate it more than I do, and I hate it entirely. but not you. i cant.

How do I love thee? Let me count the ways. I love thee to the depth and breadth and height My soul can reach, when feeling out of sight For the ends of Being and ideal Grace. I love thee to the level of every day's Most quiet need, by sun and candlelight. I love thee freely, as men strive for Right; I love thee purely, as they turn from Praise. I love with a passion put to use In my old griefs, and with my childhood's faith. I love thee with a love I seemed to lose With my lost saints, I love thee with the breath, Smiles, tears, of all my life! and, if God choose, I shall but love thee better after death. - elizabeth barrett browning -

I never expected this. I don't even know what to call these feelings...do they have a name? I told you I was shy around you and you asked if it was because I was afraid of losing you. And I lied to you. I said no, flippantly, looking away. I lied. Of course I'm afraid. Afraid of you seeing the insecure me, the me who is struggling and vulnerable. I am afraid of losing your friendship that I have come to value and hold dear. I'm afraid to admit to you that I have allowed myself to go down this path without knowing your position. I could kick myself! I'm afraid that if you knew all of this, you really would cease to call, find other things to fill your time with like you did before. And rightfully so; what a truly frightening admission! I am not afraid; however, of being alone. I have been alone in my heart for as long as I can remember and have done quite well with it. In this lengthy space of time, I have learned to love myself for all that I am worth, and, without being arrogant, I do believe I am quite worthy of love and affection. This was the only truthful part of my "No" answer... I know there is someone out there who is ...well, out there, living their lives parallel to mine and when we do meet finally, and are totally honest with each other, we will be one with and for each other... I do fear, that the reality exists that you and I are similar in so many ways and you more than meet the above criteria for compatibility... I do fear this truth and fear that you may not see it the way I do. And, that, my friend, is why I lied. To admit that I am afraid of losing you is to admit all of this. ....So I chose the easy path. I'm sorry I was not completely truthful...

one day, i told you that you came in my dream. you anxiously asked me what was it. i just smiled and kept quiet. And i left the topic. I was surprised that you didn't enquire more. yes, really. Because, if you had asked, i won't have been able to answer it, fearing you would make fun of me or maybe you would have done something else. My dream was something like this..... We were sitting on the shores of the sea, with my head on your shoulder, enjoying the waves and the moonlight. It appeared as if it was real, but i was not able to convey. Maybe if you get the same, will you be able to realise. But, now, after everything is over, what's the use of thinking all these?

I wish you hadn't kissed me, when you walked me to the door. I wish you hadn't held my hand, and made me want you more. I wish you hadn't whispered, all those sweet things in my ear. I wish you hadn't stroked my hair, or hugged and held me near. I wish you hadn't smiled, when I opened up my eyes. I wish your touch, hadn't erased all your little lies. I wish there were no little things, reminding me of you. I wish memories wouldn't make me feel the way I do. I wish I didn't know, that if you called I'd run right over. I wish I could be strong and smart- and give you the cold shoulder. I wish you would have treated me, like just another girl, then the night I spent with you, would feel like they were real. I wish I hadn't fallen hard, I knew you were for real, but I just can't help the way, that being with you made me feel. I wish I wouldn't wake up sad and know I've dreamt of you. I wish I could get through a day, and never think of you. I wish I could forget how you took away my fears, I wish I only thought of you when you didn't wipe my tears. I wish that you had been the guy, I hope that you would be. I wish I could get over you, like you got over me. I wish that I could see you, for the person that you are... but the heart won't ever listen, or grant wishes on a star.. And I wish that all these wishes were full of honesty. But truth be told, I wish that you would just come back to me.

hi. i dont like to apologize for anything that i didnt deliberately do. i did everything according to what i think is the best. not for you but for me. i am selfish and i know that. i dont like to abandon myself to some silly emotions just to make other people happy. if you're asking if you deserve a shit like this. well i dont think you do, but meeting me..somehow brings a lot of shit in your ife. i told you i am never serious and will never be. i am not made for relationships. i hope you stop telling yourself that im the best girl in your life - in that way you can find her and stop thinking about me. we had our good times but that's just nothing compared to all the shitty things uve been through cause of me. im not with someone else now. i choose who i want to be with and i choose as well if i like to stay with that someone. i choose and i dont care if it makes anyone unhappy. if i keep on thinking that someone will become unhappy - i dont like to deprive myself of the things i want to do or to happen because of that. it was your bday yesterday and i was not aware that each year has to bring back memories of me and my selfish self to your memory lane. just be happy because i am happy where i am and i dont even care at all if you are unhappy..so please just dont do that to yourself anymore. stop brining useless pain to your life. let's just all move on. learn to get out of that box and find someone else. i will not go back to you anymore. there's no more place for you in my life. im moving forward and i am not stepping back no matter how beautiful it was one time back there. happy birhtday. i hope this is the last time your hurt yourself. its not worth it. have a good life. cheers.

so, this is it. i've waited for you. who even knows if you'll read this. whatever. it's very clear to me now that you really don't want to have a relationship with me when all is said and done. i may seem to you like someone who thinks that you're sleeping around, at least that's what you've said to me. no, i don't think you're "sleeping around" . . . i think you've found someone else to be with. someone who lives closer to you . . . someone who is there for you right when you need him. someone probably younger than me . . . what you do need to know is, i really wanted to be with you, and still do. it was hard for me to tell you everything i wanted to .. . you were still mad and i felt like i needed to wait. i wanted to tell you that you were the best girl i had ever had, really. you were in my fucking dreams . and i found you. you had no reason whatsoever that time at our friend's house to think i didn't want to be with you. it's all i wanted. your body is the most beautiful body i've ever seen. the way you made me feel when you made love to me was the best i've ever felt, ever. i will never get over you. never. i just hate this feeling . . . not seeing you in over 8 months has taken it's toll. i'm not doing this anymore, it hurts too much. i have no patience, it's not fair. you could have called me anytime. even if you're with someone . . . found a few minutes to just say hi. then i will see your pictures smiling and with someone else. i dont care if he is not with you, or if he as in love with you as i am to you. you have a way with us, even though you would tell me - you dont really want something like that. it could have been me there. i deserve that. this shit always happens . . . every year around my birthday -- why do i have such shit luck? i sometimes wonder what the hell i did that was so fucking bad to deserve shit like this, it must have been something so awful that it has been erased from my mind. goodbye and good luck. i hope you have found what will make you happy. obviously, its not me.

I'm still not over you. I will never be over you. The thought of you makes me weak. Makes me angry. Makes me hopeful. It drives me crazy. It sometimes consumes me. No one has any idea of how I still carry you around in my soul. You are my secret. You are my one true love. It's like a curse that I still desire you so deeply, so intensely, consistently. Maybe you'll love me in Heaven.

This typing to each other, but not really to each other, this impersonalized intimacy, its too twenty-first century for my twentieth century soul. I told my friend about it weeks ago, that I was pained by what I felt or imagined that I felt and by how pleased it made me to feel it. She referenced Jimmy Carter, and in her eyes she laughed a little at me for being pained over my "sinning in my heart." I wasn't as pained as I was pretending to be. I was mostly just pleased. I imagined that I liked you then, when we knew each other in the real world and never talked or touched more than holding hands and laughing about it, because it was silly and we didn't mean it. And I imagined that I liked you this time too, when we seemed to be telling each other everything, so intimate without any hope that we would ever even hold hands. Always I felt like I knew you and that you were for me. And of course you are. You only ever existed in my imagination. Why else would I have made you up? I am writing notes to an imaginary person and I am hurt when he has a mind of his own and doesn't respond the way I would have him. So you see, I want you to stay imaginary. And I wanted to stay imaginary to you. I allowed you to believe things that you imagined that seemed to make you like me more. But what good is any of this to me? I wanted to fall in love with you, and I wanted you to fall in love with me. It was tantalizing and distracting, but ultimately unsatisfying, then and again. Both times the real you broke through the wall of my imagination and let me know it was never going to happen. When we first reconnected, I said that I was happy that I hadn't just made you up and that you actually existed in the world. With this final note that I will never send, I am telling you that isn't exactly a lie, but for me I am better off the other way around.

i know you love me. im going to get used to it